I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
