just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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