Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
