you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
