just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
