He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
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I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
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Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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