i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
