Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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