I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
