I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
