my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
