She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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