Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
God gave him joint rollers for hands
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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