Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
