my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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