we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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