the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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