Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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