I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
