oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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