I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
