Only a mothe r could love this liver
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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