they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize