I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
