Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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