put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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