i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I want a musical about memes.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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