I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
