I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
