I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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