All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
