Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
