Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
