I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
