I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
