Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
