Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if i can run in heels then i can drive
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
