I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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