i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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