just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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