you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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