My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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