I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
