I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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