I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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