you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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