So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize
