we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
