my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you win again, gameday.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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