I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
