And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
