I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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