I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
