Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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