she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
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I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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