He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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