Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
