sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
