i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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