I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
